A Teacher’s Guide to Supporting Children Through Parental Separation

If you haven’t read my post titled The Trials – Part 2, please read that first! It’s a helpful first-hand account from a child’s perspective, and may help you to be able to relate to the child in your life that you’re supporting

A child whose parents are going through a separation can feel incredibly alienated and lonely. The child may not feel comfortable sharing their true thoughts and feelings about the difficulties of the separation with their parents who are in the thick of it, and their peers won’t likely have the emotional capacity and understanding to be strong supporters. This leaves teachers and coaches in a prime position to offer wise counsel, or a listening ear.

So, how can you approach this important role?

Validate their feelings

First and foremost, it is important that the child has the opportunity to process their feelings towards the separation. Depending on the situation, this could be relief, grief, sadness, embarrassment, or any range of emotions. There is no right or wrong way for the child to feel, and you can help to alleviate any shame that might be stirring up in them by validating their feelings and showing them that you can listen without judgement.

For example, if there has been extreme tension or hardship in the home leading up to the separation, the child may be relieved about the separation. However, they may feel ashamed that they feel that way. We can establish trust with the child by validating that it’s totally fair to feel relieved, and that it’s normal to feel more than one emotion at a time.

You could say something like, “feeling relieved doesn’t mean that you don’t love your parents and that you’re happy about their separation. The feeling of relief might come from the fact that there will be a positive change in your home with less tension, and the chance to connect with your mom/dad again in a calmer environment, and that’s okay!”

Ask them about their concerns

Avoid leading the witness, but take the time to ask the child a few questions that will allow them to process their thoughts. They may not share freely without some prompts, but that doesn’t necessarily mean that they don’t want to talk. You can ask the child what they think might change for them as a result of the separation, and how they are feeling about those changes. If the child doesn’t seem eager to talk, it may be wise to say something like, “Would it be okay if I checked in with you again on Friday? No pressure to share anything new if you don’t want to, but maybe you could let me know how you’re feeling, and if you want to talk through anything I’ll be here”

This would allow the child some time to sort through their thoughts and decide how much they would like to share, and shows that you care. If they have a particularly tough day before you check in again, they may feel some consolation knowing that you will be checking in with them again soon.

Repeat this process as much as necessary, and establish a cadence for how often to check in with the child.

Validate the hardship without speaking negatively about the parent

While the child may have lots to say about their parents separation, it is VERY important that you don’t contribute to the angst. Regardless of the situation, the child is innately attached to their parents, and the further the divide, the deeper the pain.

You can validate the hardship and misfortunate of the situation without having to speak negatively about the parent. If the child is venting about a particular scenario, you might be able to say something like “Wow, that must have been really hard for you to hear/see” , or, “I can understand how hurtful it must have felt when they said that”.

Be observant of triggers and behavioural changes

Ensure that other teachers and coaches are aware of the changes happening at home. Have them keep an eye for any low points throughout the day, or trends of hard times. If you read my suggested post The Trials – Part 2 you would have seen that lunch time was a trigger for me. If my teacher had caught onto that trend, she could have offered me the chance to go for a quick walk at lunch, or accommodate in some way that removed me from the embarrassment of crying at my desk day over day. Lean on the other supports to make accommodations possible.

Encourage social connections

Encourage the child to participate in group activities, or pair them up with a classmate when possible in order to foster a sense of belonging. Constant distraction may not be healthy, but encouraging participation and allowing the child to choose distraction in order to get some reprieve can be helpful. Positive social interactions may help them to process their emotions in indirect ways.

Lean into positive reinforcement

The feeling of alienation and loss of sense of belonging can cause a child to struggle with self-esteem and experience heavy insecurities. You don’t want to over-do it have the child think that you’re taking pity on them, but do take the opportunity to acknowledge strengths and improvements when possible. Something simple like, “hey, I noticed you were really focused today and helped out with XYZ. I appreciate that – great job!” could go a long way.

Communicate!

Last but certainly not least, communicate. It can be tempting to hold back from approaching conversations that have the potential to be uncomfortable, but that’s where the magic happens and where you can make a real difference in the life of a child.

Please, please, please communicate with the parents. They hold the most power over the situation, and they need to know if their child is struggling. I don’t think anyone ever told my parents about my lunch-time meltdowns, and I know my mom would have consoled me if she had known.

Keep communication open with the child, and offer a consistent, stable, judgement-free space for them. Don’t rush the process, and don’t give up too quickly.