A Guide to Speaking Positively About Your Co-parent and Supporting Mutual Relationships

When people hear that you have a co-parent, they love to ask the juicy questions. You know, the questions about how it’s reeeeealllllyyyyy going?

It may feel tempting to spew information about your co-parent, especially in a time of contention, but we need to consider the broader impact of our words and attitudes towards our co-parent, and the posture of our hearts. Remembering who we are and why we’re here can help to steer the ship into a safer harbour for everyone.

First and foremost, it impacts your children.

If your child is within earshot when you speak negatively about their parent, the consequences won’t be light. Despite the circumstances, the child loves and identifies with both parents; this is innate. Hearing negative talk about one parent could affect their perception of themselves, and their self-image. Further to this, it perpetuates the loyalty conflict that children often experience in split-families, where the child feels like they have to pick sides. They may feel like they can’t speak freely about the other parent, or as if they have to hide their affection for that parent. This is a stressful situation for the child to be put in, and will have a high emotional cost.

Even if your child isn’t privy to the conversation in the moment, the impact of tarnishing your co-parent’s name extends beyond that moment. When you agree to share negative information about your co-parent, you are, in essence, saying “I want you to see the bad in them”. If this impacts the other parents ability to foster strong mutual relationships, it will have a negative effect on the child by way of stressed social circles and exclusion.

Whether it’s our conscious intention or not, when we close-off social circles instead of opening-up circles (which is essentially what we are doing by speaking negatively about others), there may be a heart issue at play. James warns against feelings of jealousy and selfish ambition in James 3:14-16

“But if you have bitter jealousy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast and be false to the truth. This is not the wisdom that comes down from above, but is earthly, unspiritual, demonic. For where jealousy and selfish ambition exist, there will be disorder and every vile practice.”

Secondly, it prevents emotional healing

I’ll be honest, I’m not sitting over here with clean hands. There was a time in the past when I bought into those negative conversations. I harboured hurt and resentment in my heart, and it was really hard to pretend that I was okay, and everything was good. Eventually, I was convicted by way of my own lived experience and hurt. I realized that when I bought into those conversations, it made it harder to forgive. It kept the past mistakes and hurt at the forefront and prevented me from being able to move forward peacefully.

So how can you move forward

As Christians, we are called to a higher standard of love, forgiveness, and grace. Speaking positively about your co-parent is not just about maintaining peace—it’s about fostering an environment of healing, mutual respect, and most importantly, modelling Christlike behaviour for your children.

The Bible offers many examples of how to speak and act in a way that honours God and others, even in difficult relationships. Sometimes, even if our hearts are telling us that we need to turn the other cheek, it can be tough to know how to practically apply that without being a doormat.

1. Remember the power of your words

The Bible frequently reminds us of the power our words have to build up or tear down. Proverbs 18:21 says, “The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit.” When we speak negatively about our co-parent—whether to our children, friends, or family—we are planting seeds of bitterness that can grow into division, resentment, and conflict.

On the other hand, speaking positively, even when it’s difficult, can help create a more peaceful and loving atmosphere for your children. Your words can bring healing and show your kids that forgiveness and grace are possible, even in tough situations.

Example: If your co-parent did something you disagree with, instead of venting in front of your children, you might say, “I don’t always agree with what your mom/dad does, but I trust that they love you and want what’s best for you. We are both committed to supporting you.”

2. Pray for your co-parent

In Matthew 5:44, Jesus commands us to love our enemies and pray for those who persecute us. While it may not always feel like your co-parent is your “enemy,” it’s possible that old wounds and unresolved conflicts may make you feel that way. The healthy response to this feeling is to pray—not only for peace between you but also for their well-being and for their salvation. When you pray for your co-parent, you are cultivating compassion in your own heart and allowing God to transform the relationship.

Praying for your co-parent is one of the very few things that you have complete control of in the co-parenting dynamic.

Example:
When feelings of anger or resentment surface, take a moment to pray for your co-parent. Ask God to soften your heart, heal wounds, and grant wisdom and grace to both of you in your parenting roles. Ask that you will both be guided towards decisions that are best for the child, and that your own personal feelings will be set aside and at rest.

3. Promote unity between both parents / families

One of the greatest gifts you can give your children is a unified front. They need to feel that both parents are committed to their well-being, and feel confident that they can trust both parents without running into loyalty conflict.

The Apostle Paul encourages us in Romans 14:19, “Let us therefore make every effort to do what leads to peace and to mutual edification.” Supporting your co-parent in front of your children helps to foster a peaceful and stable environment for them to grow.

Example: If your co-parent makes a decision that is contradictory to what you expected / encouraged, instead of criticizing the situation, you could say to your child, “It’s okay that we disagreed on this decision. Your dad and I may not always agree, but I trust him to make good decisions for you during your time together.”

So, to wrap it up..

Co-parenting is not easy, but, as Christians we are called to approach it with love, forgiveness, and a desire for peace. By speaking positively about your co-parent, you’re not only honouring God, but you’re also creating an environment that helps your children feel safe, loved, and supported.

It can be difficult to do the right thing at times when emotions are high, but living out our faith through our actions and our words is a choice that is worth making. Supporting your child’s relationship with their other parent/step-parent/sibling from their other family, or just showing grace in difficult situations is a way to allow the refinement of our own hearts to positively impact our families for the better.